You know Alice? No?
Yes, that Alice. Modern, sophisticated and confident.
Sick of romantic stories, she fell in love with the loneliness in a big crowd and the glamorous emptiness of Central.
As usual, she started to get drunk in FINDS. And slowly, she felt stupid and dizzy. Suddenly, she saw a group of bar-hopping bunnies in tux bounced by, and they hurriedly hopped to D-i and KEE. Burning with curiousity, she followed one bunny tux all the way down to this WONDERLAND.
Drunk and tumbling, she saw people in the place all with big white tags hanging down their chests. And her own tag wrote, "Miranda + Charlotte + Carrie". And she thought, "SHIT!" She wanted to be Cinderella since she was a kid. And neither Miranda, Charlotte, nor Carrie seemed to be happy. It's always happier to be a princess with no brain at all.
Or, for a man in this place, the tag of any girl is nothing but a "PUSSY".
She looked around. Came a gentleman-like banker, wrote on his tag beautiful capitals, "DRINK ME". Another gorgeous man flirted Alice with his charming eyes, carried a tag that said "EAT ME". Alice was fascinated, "Since when did we have truth in bars?"
A supermodel in Armani suit started to talk to Alice, "Honey, you are curvy," followed by a line she hated most, "Oh dear, from where did you get this gorgeous arse?"
"I know. I bought it from supermarket yesterday." she replied when she checked out his tag that marked "Fancy a fuck?" She smiled, pulled out a pen and started to write on the tag of this supermodel, "SHORT DICK, BIG EGO."
Yet, the Charlotte in her was crying. She had this love bubble that bursted faster than the tech one weeks ago. It led her to re-evaluate herself. Being a good girl wasn't easy. In investment terms, her long position incurred great loss. The reason could be, the market shifted to speculations on some short term JVs.
She felt good by herself for years, but once invested her feelings, her whole life changed. Maybe she should be a speculator as well. No pain, no trouble.
While she was thinking, a 193cm, 6-pack handsome boy hooked her up with a mouthful of sweet talks. On his tag wrote BOLD numbers "22".
And "24"?
She knew she has nothing in common with this "22". Which is good. Just like a speculative stock, she didn't need to understand anything about him. He's just a ticker symbol. And she could change to nothing more than a number. That's all. And "22" is really crazy for her.
At this very moment, she started to understand why the market went for a speculative JV. She felt sorry for this boy. And she felt sorry for herself.
Setting up 5 dates in a row is a bad idea.
(Yeah, better date 10 ... HAHAHA)
Gotta cancel them cos' I'm sure they will remind you more of the person you can dance and talk with chemistry.
Unlike men, who can jerk off their problems, women will let problems linger and repeat in their minds.
Yes, we are stupid human beings.
I remembered whenever I have emotional turmoils, there will be a ghost that rang me up dozens of times everyday but will hang up immediately as soon as he/she heard my voice. That led me to think either there has something to do with fate, or ghost, or whatever. And it followed me during the extire 3-year waiting. Yes, it's fucking tiring. (I can be damn sure I'm sane cos' all my colleagues know about it.)
**
This time the phone doesn't ring. And suddenly, I feel so lonely.
It helped me to think.
**
How many times will dramas and traumas repeat itself, and how I'm repeatedly stupid. Is this how we exhaust our lives?
Just like jumping, it will never end. So I tried to figure out the equation of our destiny. This could be the potential choices we have in our entire lives (P), times the ratio of tendency that we will feel exhausted by jumping (R). This will determine when are we going to settle down and hug what we have. So it goes like:-
_______________
Destiny = P x R
_______________
It's not like that. We jumped, we are tired and take a nap. And we jump again.
But after all these, the most important thing could be: we lived, we learned and we experienced.
This time I learned selfless love.
I have no regret.
Drama is no more drama in a city like this.
Say, your date tells you he will go for another girl. Even if this piece of news hit you hard, it’s just so easy to fix up 5 other dates in 30 minutes.
**
Perhaps there are always too many choices available that we all ended up in frustration anyway. Everything starts too fast, goes too fast and ends too fast when we can easily jump to something new the next minute. We jump before we want to see something clearly enough.
**
But what are we chasing after? The best? Or “more”?
**
If being loyal is to live in traumas, will it feel better to be a bitch that fools around? I bet either way sucked.
**
We are all uprooted.
**
It's just hard to know what is right for us in this life journey of trial & error and making decisions (especially wrong ones). Something strange is, we need to live long enough to know it's wrong AGAIN.
**
I imagined when I become 40 something, after all these dramas and traumas, still the Top 5 stupid things in my mind (subject to change) could be:
**
1. Shit! I should have married Vincent
2. Why didn’t I go for that fucking MBA?
3. It’s too late to have kids
4. Will I be the next one to die of cancer?
5. I should be a bitch 15 years ago !!
***
I just can't tell right and wrong. Perhaps in a heartless city like this, we are fast to forgive those who let us down (Perhaps it's just because I'm too inexperienced and make too much of everything). We can soon learn to live in this bizarre way. " You jump, I jump" as in Titanic. And are we all going to become devils?
**
I have lost my balance now.
Packing and unpacking, I found the Nikon F series camera and a few professional lens my ex gave me, along with the photos I took for him.
I can't explain this little struggle of whether I should throw them away. It's only half working when he gave it to me (Yes, I'm stupid. Laugh if you want). I meant to keep it for 3 years and return them (I don't know where this idea came from either). It ended up that I got no chance to give it back. And I strongly believe I'm over him. I should say I don't like him.
A know a lie does exist. I hate myself for the silence, and for living a lie these 3 years. And I have to kept everything secret just to protect him.
***
My weakness is loyalty. And now I know what to do.
Let's celebrate with me !
A friend took me to palm reading for fun in Temple Street. Yes, the haven for senior prostitutes, fake stuff, mices and bugs. And the palm reader told me how to attain this happy life of mine. That is, according to her, "Gain 20 pounds". And, "Get long hair".
Wow!
That's too insightful.
She gave me a lecture, "You are too strong. Men won't like you. The meaning of a happy life (for a woman) is to have a man who's rich, and give you all the luxuries you want. And he loves you so much."
HK girls looked and talked like a modernised, westernised woman on the outside. But in their bones, they still look for a "marry up" fortune, a meal ticket (Girls have the consent to keep it a secret from men. But I think men know or believe they know, but just silently accept that).
Look at the Asian or Chinese girls who try to hook up not-so-cute gweilos, or vice versa (I'm not trying to be harsh, but some of these qweilos wasn't so popular in their own country). If people blamed these gweilos for exploiting Asian or Chinese girls like a king, I think somehow those girls make themselves into these "products" (Plastic surgeries, small-size bras that squeezes any possible flesh together, etc.) I'm not saying these girls are wrong. They know what they want. (Besides, most women don't want to be a career woman.)
After all, it's demand and supply.
I asked the palm reader, "WHY 20 pounds?"
Her assumptions were, men like girls with long hair (That's why you can see it in almost all HK girl - same style, same madeup, and pursuing that sick standard figure. That makes them look "lovely" and unoffensive to HK men). And, being a bit plump will look wealthier, since most "Tai Tai" of rich husbands look that way.
She continued, "Listen to me, don't waste yourself ! You can have some man who take care of you for the rest of your life." "It's up to you to choose between career (which means "nothing" for her) and a rich husband."
So I asked the palm reader, "How much is it?" "HK$150."
I choose to pay and leave.
3 HK girls, at their late 20s and early 30s, shopped together in Causeway Bay. As they passed by SOGO, an old woman dropped her wallet but were too clumsy to pick it up. As one girl bent over to fetch for it, she was face to face with this old woman, weary and ugly, with one blind eye inlaid with a huge sapphire, and her teeth were sapphires too.
The girl was stunned when the other 2 girls ran over to check on her. The old woman, grinning mysteriously, spoke in a low ark voice, "Are you scared? I am the old witch of the lost land who lived here 500 years just to wait for a big heart like you. I can grant each of you a wish. But I need to keep one thing from each of you to work on the spells. What do you girls want most?"
First girl said, without thinking, "I want to become a gorgeous girl, slim and pretty", pointing at supermodel in the slimming advertisement right across the street. "No problem. Your wish will come true in one week." The second girl said, "I want a rich husband like Richard Lee." The third girl was excited, "I want to be a pretty, slim girl too!" The old woman said, "no no, I can't repeat my spells, it wouldn't work after someone used it. Think of something else."
With all she wished being used up by the other 2 girls, the third girl thought for a while, and whispered in the ear of the old woman, "I want you to take away what they just wished and make all other girls ugly, accept me." The old woman grinned again, "That's a bit complicated, but fine."
So it was done, the old woman took away a BV bag, a mobile phone, and a LV wallet. In return, she slipped them a folded note, "Here's the spell. Don't open it until the sun goes down."
After a while, they checked out the note. It said, "how old are you to believe in witches?"
Somehow it's hard to understand the war between women. But that's what I see in many girls, even men, they want others (even their good friends) to appear "ugly" to make themselves feel good. I don't think it's all about the competition in the market. It's about them.
And what's more interesting is, HK girls do believe in spells or magic. They do believe that all of a sudden, for paying some $30,000 to a sweat-free trimming programme, they will become like a model. Or, for some mysterious reasons, they will marry a rich man to feed them for the rest of their life. And it looks like the mass culture celebrates this shallowness.
HK Girls are never happy. So apart from this Wee Wee story I've done for HK men, I am really interested in creating another story for HK-style girls. My picture of an average HK girls is someone with these shallow-brained wishes wrapped in a sugar coat of a sophisticated outlook and way of talking.
At what age can girls learn to be responsible for their lives? Or, stop trying to be someone else and love themselves as who they are?
But I'm sure they will criticise a girl who asks these questions as being "cold", like, "Of course you can say so, you are pretty and gorgeous (or, you already had a rich boyfriend, etc)."
They have no idea, being a gorgeous woman is sometimes not as easy as they think. Perhaps, both of them cannot see the perpectives of each other. Everyone have his/her cross to bear. Why can't we be happy with ourselves?
